BeTA--Beyond Trauma and Attachment

This is a link to the group that puts on "Orlando" each year.  
There are some great resources, great blog posts, information and support available here.

www.momsfindhealing.com

This is a new page put up today.  I was going to highlight some of the info, but it's all good stuff, so I will just copy the whole page.

In a perfect world, children will grow up feeling loved, cared for and protected. They will remain innocent of life's tragedy and will grow up unscathed by it.  Unfortunately this is not always the case.  Some children experience devastating trauma before they are even able to process the events. 
If we define trauma as a overwhelming or distressing act that is unusual for someone to encounter (emphasis mine), EARLY TRAUMA would be those events that occurs to a child between the ages of 0 and 6 years old. We are typically speaking of repeated trauma that happens numerous times over a period of time  such as physical, mental or sexual abuse.  Chronic Trauma can also occur in a child who lives in a dangerous environment such as a rough neighborhood, negligent conditions or a family where arguments and physical abuse happen often.  Since the abuse can be repeated or prolonged, these children often live in a state of hyper-vigilance waiting for another episode of abuse to happen.
Because every person is different and our brains process actions in such a different manor, children can react in many different ways to Early Trauma.   Anger can be present and acting out will likely follow and can produce rage in children.  Some children may be sad and withdrawn, questioning why things happened and even startle easily expecting someone to lash out at them and be constantly fearful.  Others can shut down completely and show no emotions at all, withdrawing into their own world and becoming detached from reality or dissociating.  
Regardless of how it effects children the brutality they suffer will haunt them for a long period of time.  The adults in their life are left to pick up the pieces.  In many instances, these children are removed from their families due to the trauma and are placed into foster homes or adoptive placements.  Sometimes other family members become primary care-givers and have to learn how to care for them in the aftermath of the traumatic events.
Chronic Early Trauma in many cases can also leave behind a child who becomes "attachment resitant".  It is understandable that a child who has trusted their  caregivers to keep them safe and meet their most basic needs and has had that fail will be less likely to trust any other care giver that comes into their life.  They can also assign the anger or frustration that they have for their abuser out on the person who is now in the position to keep them safe.  They can use this as a coping mechanism to not get close to another person and allow them to let them down or hurt them.
Since we have no idea how trauma will effect a child, it should be said that in some cases, the sheer act of adoption itself could be a trauma.  Even children adopted at birth can experince a sense of loss that is so strong that it effects future relationships with care givers.  These children have experienced loss and the way it is dealt with in their brain is beyond our understanding. It is understandable that an infant that has spent 9 months in their mother's womb would feel an organic attachment to her and her environment and if that bond is broken, this could have an impact. (emphasis mine)
A child who is exhibiting attachment issues may avoid eye contact, may have a “flat” affect where smiling is rare, doesn't reach out to be near to an adult, may not seem to notice when an adult leaves the room.  They may also engage in self soothing behaviors such as rocking to comfort themselves as they have learned that others don’t fill that need.

Future relationships with these children can also be effected since the basis of building trusting relationships is broken.  They may be developmentally delayed due to lack of interest or due to neglect.  They will likely have problems relating to adults and even peers. Many other disorders tend to be comorbid Early Trauma such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Developmental Delays, Mental Retardation, BiPolar, Sensory Integration Disorder and Pervasive Developmental Disorders (Aspergers).
Impacts of Trauma
Anger problems – Anger could be expressed in numerous ways.  It could be rages and tantrums or even manipulative, passive aggressive behaviors.  These survivors may outwardly express their anger by giving very hard hugs disguised as kindness. Sometimes this anger comes out in destructive ways like destroying property.

Control issues – Most children who have grown up in a situation that was laced with trauma, need to feel as though they are in control.  So many choices have been made for them that they try to cling to a shred of control so they don’t feel helpless.  They can be defiant, oppositional, disobedient and argue constantly.  These children are sneaky and demanding in order to get what they want.

Difficulty in showing affection – typically these children have difficulty in exhibiting genuine care for their caregivers.  They are unable to trust fully, therefore showing affection with their caregivers is difficult (inhibited).  The child may be extremely withdrawn, emotionally detached, and resistant to comforting.  Children do not seek comfort from caregiver when sick or injured. They may also show inappropriate affection to strangers (disinhibited) and may seek comfort and attention from virtually anyone.

Avoiding touch – many children who have experienced trauma may flinch, laugh or get angry when touched.   Due to the resistance to attach, touch can be perceived as a threat. 
 
Lack of Conscience – these children may fail to show remorse for their actions.  Their behaviors are seen as protecting themselves so guilt, regret and remorse is not projected.  They may also engage in nonsensical lying and constant chatter.

Lack of Understanding Cause and Effect – They may not fully think through their choice to what the consequences of their actions may be, or not even fully connect the outcome with the initial decision.  This may also lead them to blame others for their behaviors or their actions.
Parenting a child with early trauma or attachment resistance can be a roller coaster.  Parents often feel frustration over how to help their child, anger that the child has to endure this difficult situation, exhaustion due to dealing with constant vigilance, anger, rages, and emotional swings.  

It is difficult to ask for help when you don’t even know how to help yourself.  Parents feel completely and utterly alone much like the child is feeling.  Parents appear angry, tired, either overly reactive to what the child does; or totally disconnected from the child.  Siblings exhibit problems of anger, fear, and depression.  The entire family is in a state of distress.

Each child encompasses their trauma differently, it is a struggle to find ways that work to help them feel safe and protected.  Trying many different things and yet being consistent in our patience and understanding is key.  Sharing our successes and failures is one way we can connect and empower other families to keep searching for healing.

You are not alone.

some fun pics...

 

Someone smiling for Daddy in the hospital

Were they more excited for me to be home, or Lily??

Rub-a-dub-dub, three boys in the tub

FROM CYBIL MARIAH'S FORMAL

 

FIRST PICTURES

THE ESSENTIALS

 

A LITTLE BRUISED UP FROM COMING SO FAST

Charles never lived in Africa, but he sure did become a "back baby" :) 

Usually he just hangs on and the girls have to walk around until he falls asleep. 

He loves it!

ETAAM

There are still a few openings for the Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting in Orlando, FL this coming March 8-11!!

I gotta tell ya...I have been exctied for this ever since I registered...in June!!!  I have already met moms all over the country and am so thankful for the encouragement and understanding I have already found.  I can't wait to meet them in real life!

If you have any questions, let me know and I will do my best to get them answered.  Otherwise, email Corey at the address below.  Would love to have you join us!

WHAT is ETAAM/Orlando?

ETAAM is a respite retreat designed for moms of kids with attachment (and related) disorders. It first started in 2010 with 9 brave women who flew from all over the US in search of support for their challenging lives. In 2011, 67 women were in attendance (including our first Canadians!) In March 2012, 90 women gathered. ETAAM was created by moms of kids with attachment disorders, and is run solely on a volunteer basis. It has become an invaluable community and an indispensable annual pilgrimage for many attendees.

WHO can attend ETAAM?

ETAAM is primarily for moms of kids with attachment and related disorders (PTSD, ASD, BPD, ADHD, and a host of other alphabet soup diagnoses). We have bio moms, adoptive moms, step moms, foster moms, and other female caregivers. We have moms that are currently parenting, moms whose children are not able to live at home, and moms who no longer have a child with a trauma history in their home. ETAAM is a child-free environment. If you are unsure whether ETAAM is right for you, please email Corey Waters at jcwaters2002@yahoo.com

  For more more FAQ, click here.

To read about the rooms/villas available, click here. 

Update--there is one quad in Hollywood ($85 lodging fee) and one king ($190), one queen ($190) and two doubels ($145 each) in Party Palace still available.   There is also a $175 fee for food, ground transportation, souvenirs and other misc.

Merry Christmas!!!

PS---IT'S A GIRL!!!!

GONE

The other night I cried myself to sleep at the realization that they were gone.  I am sure I will weep my way through this as well. 

Who is gone?  They are-our precious friends, the first twelve students from IBCZ.  The students Brian helped interview, drive to the school for their first class (all 12 plus their luggage and Brian in our landrover!), the students we grew with, who became big brothers to our children, who loved us and we them.  Who we had to say goodbye to, prayed with and for, had a happy reunion with a year later, sent letters back and forth to, become friends with on facebook. 

Now they are gone, their four years of training completed and ready to graduate.  While I am happy and proud of them, it is bittersweet in a way.

Since coming home 3.5 years ago, I at least, have kept up with them, reading blogs of people who have served or visited, looking at pictures and sharing on Facebook,  sharing letters…I have kept a little bit of a connection because they were still there.  A while back I decided that I would until they graduated, then I would really need to back away.  It was always a “pipe dream” to somehow make it back once before they graduated, or for graduation, but at the cost for our family to go…well, I’d have to win the powerball and I don’t play! (okay, I do every once in awhile-like when the lottery is $370 million or more, because my chances of winning are so much better as everyone else in the country is also playing…oh well, $1 to the wildlife fund I guess.)

The other night when I read that they had left the campus it hit me.  I don’t think I was quite ready to hear that as I was thinking they’d be there a little longer since graduation isn’t until the middle of January.  All of the sudden  it felt final; they were gone, and with them, a tie to that time of our lives.  I grieved because I always pictured myself there for their last day.  I grieved for my kids, who keep asking to go back, who don’t even understand what it means that this last string is now cut.  I grieve because I guess I feel forgotten, wasted, spent, changed in a way I didn’t want to be.  This wasn’t how this was suppose to end.

And yet I suppose I should be going through this grieving, maybe I should have years ago.  Maybe it would have been easier to have wiped it all away back then, but I couldn’t.  There is still a lot unexplained, unforgotten (unforgiven?) unsatisfying, undone, unknown, unanswered.  While there will always be good memories and friendships to remember, the ache will be there too.